Such lines of thought lead naturally into the assignment of blame for unwanted outcomes and present unfavorable circumstances. Adam and Eve played hot potato with blame as Heavenly Father questioned them about why they were hiding, and what they had done. Elder Bednar noted that the Lord asked them questions, not to interrogate them, but to help Adam and Eve better understand their own choices and actions. The Lord did not command Adam to come out of hiding; He asked him where he was (which the Lord knew perfectly well). Adam blamed Eve for his choice; Eve blamed the serpent.
It seems to me that blaming others for our bad circumstances and choices smacks of Satan's version of the plan of salvation. His plan destroys the freedom to choose, making some remote puppeteer responsible for everything. To shift blame to others suggests that we are somehow not free to choose; we are not culpable because of bad parenting, poor schooling, etc. At what point do we cease to be acted upon, and begin to act for ourselves? Eight years of age has been given as the standard age of accountability; some never mentally achieve accountability.
One scriptural concept that seems to defy pure free will is the concept repeated frequently in the Book of Mormon, "wicked" and "foolish traditions" of ancestors. D&C 123 cites the "creeds of the fathers" as a source of spiritual blindness among more modern peoples. When the pie of justice is sliced, how big of a percentage will we each merit? Fortunately, God is fully qualified to answer this question. "Judgement is mine," and I am comfortable letting the Lord untangle the knot of assigning blame and punishments. But it seems that parents who neglect to teach their children the gospel properly will be culpable for their children's sins (D&C 68:25; see also Moses 6:58-59).
But do flaws in the parents themselves keep the kids from being fully responsible for their choices, even after such proper instruction has occurred? I can think of two extreme examples: Heavenly Father is a perfect parent, yet a full third of His children rebelled against Him. On the other extreme, Abraham's father was an idolatrous man who volunteered him for sacrifice, yet Abraham somehow transcended his father's wicked traditions and became a model for us all. We are commanded to emulate him, "to do the works of Abraham" (D&C 132:32). Being "agents unto ourselves" means that we do not require perfect parents to turn out well in the end. We have choice, and can put our feet on most any path we want.
I heard of a woman who converted to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints who became deeply disturbed about what she had read about the Prophet Joseph Smith. She took her concerns to the Lord, and the answer she got back was something like the following: "No one is perfect. Which imperfection would you prefer Joseph Smith to have?" The same could be said of parents. No matter how pure their intentions and valiant their attempts, their flaws will impair their ability to parent. Toes will be stepped on; mistakes will be made; blame and heartache and accusation will flow from children's lips until they raise their own children, at which point accusation melts into awe at how much their parents actually accomplished.
Preoccupation with "whose fault is it?" puts us in Satan's role, that of accuser. The title "devil" means "accuser," "slanderer," or perhaps, "gossip." It also implicitly denies the ability of self or others to overcome circumstances. All men, everywhere are commanded to repent, and so it follows that the Lord has prepared a way for all men, everywhere, to obey this commandment. Only the most extreme cases seem to fall outside of this qualification.
It seems to me that a more incisive question than "who is to blame for my circumstances?" might be, "how shall I get out of these circumstances?" Abuse or other negative treatment can be blamed for where we are, but not for whether we extricate ourselves from the mud. Does dwelling on the source of the problem help us find the solution? No, in most cases, unless abuse is currently happening. I believe that the problems of character flaws and depression are like the Rubic's Cube puzzle; it is not necessary to back-track every twist and flip that led to things being mixed up to restore order in the puzzle; likewise, it is not necessary to identify and assign blame to every culprit and villain responsible for our current misery.
The solution, of course, is Jesus Christ. Just as Abraham was saved from the wicked traditions of his father by angelic ministrations, we see the Lord solving the same problem among the Nephites with the same solution: "Jesus groaned within himself, and said: Father, I am troubled because of the wickedness of the people of the house of Israel." What is the cause of this wickedness? Wicked and foolish traditions passed on from fathers to children, mostly. And Jesus sets about solving the problem, breaking the cycle:
"And when he had said these words, he himself also knelt upon the earth; and behold he prayed unto the Father, and the things which he prayed cannot be written, and the multitude did bear record who heard him. And after this manner do they bear record: The eye hath never seen, neither hath the ear heard, before, so great and marvelous things as we saw and heard Jesus speak unto the Father; And no tongue can speak, neither can there be written by any man, neither can the hearts of men conceive so great and marvelous things as we both saw and heard Jesus speak; and no one can conceive of the joy which filled our souls at the time we heard him pray for us unto the Father. And it came to pass that when Jesus had made an end of praying unto the Father, he arose; but so great was the joy of the multitude that they were overcome. And it came to pass that Jesus spake unto them, and bade them arise. And they arose from the earth, and he said unto them: Blessed are ye because of your faith. And now behold, my joy is full. And when he had said these words, he wept, and the multitude bare record of it, and he took their little children, one by one, and blessed them, and prayed unto the Father for them. And when he had done this he wept again; And he spake unto the multitude, and said unto them: Behold your little ones. And as they looked to behold they cast their eyes towards heaven, and they saw the heavens open, and they saw angels descending out of heaven as it were in the midst of fire; and they came down and encircled those little ones about, and they were encircled about with fire; and the angels did minister unto them" (3Ne. 17:14-24).
Jesus went from groaning in Himself, being troubled by wickedness, to saying, "Behold, my joy is full." The solution to wickedness was not assigning blame or distributing justice to parents or children, though major destruction had recently culled the more wicked portion of the populace. The solution was interface, direct interaction, between Jesus and heavenly messengers, and the rising generation.
It must be easy to forget that the children we raise are actually God's children. Of course He will help us raise them, if we are willing to let go of the steering wheel, follow the Spirit, and trust God's steadying influence. Covenants kept will seal wayward children to parents, and this is a concept I also have trouble reconciling with agency. "The Prophet Joseph Smith declared—and he never taught a more comforting doctrine—that the eternal sealings of faithful parents and the divine promises made to them for valiant service in the Cause of Truth, would save not only themselves, but likewise their posterity. Though some of the sheep may wander, the eye of the Shepherd is upon them, and sooner or later they will feel the tentacles of Divine Providence reaching out after them and drawing them back to the fold. Either in this life or the life to come, they will return. They will have to pay their debt to justice; they will suffer for their sins; and may tread a thorny path; but if it leads them at last, like the penitent Prodigal, to a loving and forgiving father’s heart and home, the painful experience will not have been in vain. Pray for your careless and disobedient children; hold on to them with your faith. Hope on, trust on, till you see the salvation of God" (Orson F. Whitney, in Conference Report, Apr. 1929, 110).
I believe that when parents sealed in the Temple keep their covenants, it exerts a protective influence on their offspring, allowing them to remain safe both physically, and spiritually, and even recover from serious wounds. Abraham received great promises regarding his posterity (Gen. 22:17-18) because of his faithfulness, and I believe that similar blessings can be extended to our children because of our faithfulness as well. It seems that all the blessings of Abraham are necessary, and are given, specifically because of the promise of limitless posterity. Promised lands, including new worlds, are necessary to care for limitless posterity; material possessions are necessary to provide for them; priesthood is necessary to bless them and seal them and preside over them; eternal sealing to spouse is necessary for their benefit as well; exaltation itself is necessary to be a sufficient father over such an innumerable posterity. All the accoutrements of Matriarchs, like Sarah, probably spring similarly from the exigencies of eternal and infinite parenthood. We are not exalted merely for our own agrandizment or consolation; talents are proportional to the enormity of stewardship, and eternal increase is the greatest stewardship of all.
Trivializing the hurt of wayward parents or wayward children was not my intention in writing what I have written; my intent here is to remind myself and others that Jesus is the ultimate table-turner, that He can turn Joseph's imprisonment into salvation for Israel and Egypt; that the Lord can work similar miracles in all our lives, turning black, ironic, bitter coal into diamonds. I hope we can let go of the blame game, and see the big picture.
