Building Pornography-Resistant Young Men

Much of what I've written on the subject of breaking free from pornography has focused on triage, emphasizing after-the-fact repair and repent tactics. I want instead to focus on prevention. Anything is possible for the one who doesn't have to accomplish it; I understand that talk is cheap, easier said than done, etc. I have no sons of my own. I will try to describe a scenario or process by which the armor of God could be more firmly anchored to our youth to prevent much misery and addiction. My apologies to those who are actually in the parenting and leadership trenches.

Much is said in the Church with regard to the law of chastity, and the attendant constellation of prohibitions, and sins of thought, emotion, desire, and action. The WHAT is drilled firmly into the minds of young men. The main deficiency I see in all this training is a lack of explanation about HOW. In 3Ne. 12, Jesus Himself identifies avoiding lust in one's heart as taking up one's cross. He probably did not use that metaphor lightly or accidentally. The enormity of the task is implied in the metaphor. It is one thing to say what needs to be done; it is a deeper task to explain how to do it.

Avoiding exposure is often mistakenly presented as a solution. Pornography is so widely available that exposure is probably inevitable. It is not so much a question of if, but when. Silence is not a solution either. This is like saying the dirt doesn't exist once it is swept under the carpet. Sin thrives in the dark, like fungus, and light tends to destroy it. Instilling shame and guilt in young men only reinforces concealment. Pornography should not be a young man's introduction into the subject of sex. He should ideally be introduced to the topic in the context of the plan of happiness, the context of reproduction and family.

[11 Jan. 2013 Update: Marriage is also not a solution. One dear friend of mine, a young woman, thought that the intensity of her passion for the young man she was marrying would curtail his appetite for pornographic images. Would she have made the same mistake if her fiance had been a drug addict? (They are now divorced.) Pornography addiction is different from sex in that it eliminates the insecurities and complexities of human relationships, i.e. rejection, criticism, physical illness, trust, misinterpretation of cues, petty bickering, expectations, etc. It is a fantasy world in which the addict can do no wrong, purely a spectator sport; it is not a sign of deprived sexual appetite, any more than drug abuse is, and actual sex performs different emotional functions than pornography consumption, which more closely parallels drug abuse. Real sex requires courage, a chief component of love; pornography shields the addict from the real or imagined pain of relationships and every other species of stress life throws at the addict, the very "fear" that "hath torment" (1 John 4:18). Marriage is an emotional adventure, full of perils; pornography addiction is an evasion of emotional entanglement and genuine intimacy.]

Who Will Jump?

Imagine being confronted with pornography as coming to the edge of a cliff and being tempted to jump despite painful consequences. Why do some jump while others step back? Curiosity and peer pressure may impel some. The scriptures teach us to have our "loins (reproductive equipment) girt about with truth," not ignorance. But if children have been taught to avoid pornography, there must be a deeper explanation as to why some cave to temptation while others walk away.

"Deep unmet needs" is a phrase one psychologist used to describe the motivation that originally drives addictive behavior. I say "originally" because the addiction takes on a life of its own, and becomes a need unto itself, as well as spackle to substitute for deficiencies in one's emotional needs. In other words, having emotional needs met will prevent participation in pornography most of the time. But who has all their needs met all the time? Precious few, it seems. Not everyone is popular, loved, etc. Not everyone has a driving passion or constructive hobby to fill their days with purpose and meaning. Not everyone has a sense of peace, security, control, connectedness, or joy in life. Sorrow, emptiness, frustration and anger, bottled up emotions, stress, and insecurities nip at all our heels one way or another. Salvation is not ultimately through basketball championships or getting attention from that special someone; it is through Jesus Christ, through His Atonement.

Hiding in a monastery, being so busy that there is no time for sin, pretending there is no problem, medication, internet filters, snapping your wrist with a rubber band, repeating the negative consequences of sin over and over, flogging self or others with accusation and guilt, seeking happiness and fulfillment, will all ultimately leave the problem unsolved. Behavior is only a manifestation of the problem, and working from the outside to amend behavior is not the same thing as solving the real problem that lies within.

Alma came out of his coma with this to say on the subject: "And the Lord said unto me: Marvel not that all mankind, yea, men and women, all nations, kindreds, tongues and people, must be born again; yea, born of God, changed from their carnal and fallen state, to a state of righteousness, being redeemed of God, becoming his sons and daughters; And thus they become new creatures; and unless they do this, they can in nowise inherit the kingdom of God" (Mosiah 27:25-26). This spiritual rebirth is the actual solution to the problem of pornography. It is a cure, whereas other tactics, like making sure emotional needs are met, internet filters, willpower, medication, and other human contrivances, are treatments. It is also the right and best form of prevention. Peter did not strap on water skis when he jumped out of the boat to walk on the water, yet we do this in a figurative sense when we try to find a solution to the problem of pornography in our own earthly bag of tricks. "Having no more disposition to do evil, but to do good continually" (Mosiah 5:2). This describes a solution to the real problem of pornography, the condition of the heart. Even if we could apply unlimited willpower and resist, resist, resist temptations until we die, we would still be unfit for heaven because of internal problems, unrighteous desires that need resisting. And even if we could destroy all pornographic material on earth, it would still exist in the minds and hearts of its victims. Such a person is also unfit for heaven. We must be divested of all bad desires at some point before we get into the Celestial Kingdom; why not start now?

What Would I Say?

If I were teaching my own son about how to keep the law of chastity effectively, I would try to convey some of the following ideas (preferably, this would happen before he turned 7 or 8 years old, before the real weight of the cross described above came slamming onto his shoulders):

A temple, according to John A. Widtsoe, is something God puts us in, or through, in order to strengthen us, literally to "endow us with power from on high." Our bodies meet this qualification. Our spirits, when placed in bodies, gain new abilities and powers not previously enjoyed. Among those powers is the power to procreate, and since this requires two people, a man and a woman, this power is accompanied by the ability to fall in love, the capacity for romantic infatuation. Men, at least initially, are attracted visually. As with all powers, there is proper use and destructive abuse of this particular ability.

The proper use of this power is to weld a man and woman together emotionally in marriage, so that their love will result in children, and their continued love will make those children feel secure and develop greater capacity for appropriate kindness, trust, and love towards everyone they encounter later in life.

Pornography takes this capacity for falling, and staying, in love with a spouse, and twists it into lust. Lust has no permanence, and sees people as disposable objects. It switches from one person to the next, rather than finding one person and sticking with that one. This tendency is natural, and one of the reasons marriages are performed at altars. Part of a man's nature is designed for loyalty and fidelity to spouse and children, while another part may retain the capacity to be attracted to other women; restraining that latter, irrational impulse is encompassed by the statement "bridle all your passions" (Alma 38:12). At the altar, we sacrifice the option of wandering from person to person, dating and looking for new partners, and exclude all others except the one to whom we are sealed. Because it is difficult to do, it is a sacrifice, and part of that cross Jesus talks about in 3Ne. 12.

The law of chastity is to have no sexual relations except with your spouse. This extends to the heart and mind. The rule, then, is to "suffer none of these thing to enter into your heart." Temptations are going to be presented to you, regardless of how cautious you are. (This is no reason to not be cautious.) But because it is a commandment, it follows that there must be a way to keep our hearts free from sexual desire for someone we are not married to (see 1Ne. 3:7).

Seek for the mighty change of heart described in the scriptures. When you have it, pornography will cease to appeal to you. Sorrow and disgust for it will replace fascination and excitement. This is not an easy state to reach; it requires divine intervention, Jesus changing your heart. It is not a product of willpower or practice. It requires faith in Christ, deep humility, obedience to the promptings of the Spirit, doing things that invite the Spirit, and avoiding things that offend the Spirit. This includes avoid things that are not even related to pornography, yet are offensive to the Spirit, such as violence presented as entertainment, raucous music, irreverent jokes, breaking the Sabbath, and other things. When you give your whole self, and everything you have to Jesus, then He will change your heart. You give Him your bad heart, and he gives you His heart, His nature, in return. Agency is immutable; He will not overstep it. That is why we must have faith and be humble, and submit our whole soul to receive this mighty change. Ordinances are also crucial; they are the way in which we formalize our commitment, faith, humility, and willingness to do what Jesus asks us to do.

The Book of Mormon also fits Elder Widtsoe's definition of a Temple. When we enter it, we are strengthened. Joseph Smith taught that we will get nearer to God by abiding by its precepts than any other book (not just by reading it). Part of the reason for that is its clear and powerful teachings about spiritual rebirth, the mighty change of heart. If you will make a diligent search of the Book of Mormon and identify everything you need to do in order to secure this change of heart, this endowment of power from on high, for yourself, you will find strength to resist temptations, and eventually, freedom from temptations that used to "easily beset" you. You will find added power to do your duty and live a good LDS life. I have never gotten to a point in my life when I felt that I had outgrown the scriptures. Instead of qualifying me to move on to other things, each increase in understanding has merely shown me how much more there is for me to derive from the scriptures. Get a testimony of them, study them daily, and the Spirit will change your heart, and protect you from evil. It will not only lead you away from evil, it will also guide you to do, and become, good.

Where Your Treasure Is...

Documentaries are like candy to me. I am a truth-a-holic, and information about the real world is what I crave. Several documentaries I have checked out from the library this last month have transformed from a jumble of trivia and facts, and coalesced in my mind into a semi-coherent theme.

One documentary was about house flies. There are more flies born every day than there are humans on the earth. They are parasites, living on the refuse and food of humans and their herd animals. They taste with their feet, and have a mouth located on the end of a straw, called a proboscis. They greedily slurp up any liquid they can get their saliva on. They spread disease by regurgitating what they have eaten, now laden with contagion, sometimes spilling a bit on human food as they suck the vomit back into their bodies. Flies followed human migrations across the earth, and were brought to England by Roman legions. From there, they spread to the Americas and Australia.

Another documentary was about the art and science of design. Originally, the process of design occurred almost at the same time as manufacture. A designer would make one item, a pot or whatever, and it would be based on a standardized template, yet have unique characteristics as well. The industrial revolution happened in England, and as technology advanced, art and uniqueness were lost somewhat to mass production. Giant textile mills churned out square miles of machine-made fabric. The American model was assembly line production, literally called "unskilled" because each worker on the line only knew one part of the item he helped produce. This soul-free, artless, mechanical way of creating things spread globally. "Luxury" now often means simply "unique" or "hand-made." This displeased some designers in recent decades, who sought to combine a unique appearance with the ease and affordability of mass production. This has worked in some cases, but it is detrimental in others. Trying to turn a car into a canvas means that instead of paying a little money to replace an ugly black rubber bumper after it is damaged, I have to pay hundreds of dollars to replace a shiny piece of plastic. One car designer indicated that the car a person chooses to drive shows how the person wants to be perceived, the image they want to project, or whom they want to seem to be.

What do these documentaries have in common? The first exemplifies the first temptation of Christ found in Matt. 4—the flesh. Satan tempted Him to turn rocks into bread. Appetites compete with God for our prime affections, and we must keep them inside the boundaries He sets for our protection. The second documentary corresponds nicely to the second temptation—popularity. Jumping from a pinnacle of the Temple was what Satan tempted Jesus to do, and floating easily to the ground would have impressed onlookers. Obsession with appearances and shallow externalities characterizes crumbling societies, and morally bankrupt individuals. "We heeded them not," Nephi says of those who ignored the well-dressed inhabitants of the great and spacious building who mocked them.

Nephi says that those who seek four things will be destroyed: wealth, power, popularity, and the pleasures of the flesh (1Ne. 22:23). (These pursuits tend toward self-destruction, though the scripture says God will destroy them.)

The final temptation of Christ was two-pronged, the twin temptations of wealth and power. They are co-morbid, and hardly show up without each other. Wealth creates power, and power allows for the theft of wealth. These are, perhaps, the most destructive temptations.

It just so happens that I watched two other documentaries cataloging such destruction. The first was a history of man's obsession with gold. Suddenly, the motivation behind bits and pieces of violence scattered throughout history snapped into focus. It was one horrendous and sad tale after another. Wars figured prominently. Spanish conquistadors saw gold ornaments dangling from American natives, and lusted after them. (Only in recent years have I paid attention to the Book of Mormon's preface to Columbus' arrival in the promised land: "Behold, the wrath of God is upon the seed of thy brethen" (1Ne. 13:11).) They stole the gold and silver, killed and enslaved the natives, and started shipping the gold back to Spain. Sir Walter Raleigh and Sir Francis Drake became lauded brigands, plundering Spanish treasure galleons on the high seas and returning the gold to England. (One such vessel, the Atocha, yielded half a billion dollars worth of gold and silver to one treasure seeker who lost twenty years of his life and one beloved family member searching for it off the Florida Keys.) Phillip II of Spain sought to bring petulant, protestant England to bow the knee before the Catholic Church, and began to build an armada to that end. Drake burned the fledgling armada in the harbor, and Phillip, inflamed with the hubris often engendered by unlimited wealth, simply rebuilt the armada. Weather destroyed the new armada as it was about to invade English soil. Spain declined, and the infusion of gold from the Americas was like the first domino in a chain of economic events that spurred the growth of the British Empire. Lamanite gold is one reason English is the most popular second language on earth.

The other documentary was about the ascent of money, which is a symbolic representation of gold supposedly stored in vaults somewhere (this is referred to as a "shell game"). This documentary was also a laundry list of sordid and horrific deeds conducted in the name of power for weath's sake. The French crusaders came begging gold from the Venetian bankers to finance their re-conquering of Jerusalem, and the head banker, a blind man in his eighties, agreed to lend them the money on condition that they would take their military and sack a competing business port in the Mediterranean, Constantinople. The Venetians hated the competition Constantinople presented, and knew where all their best treasures were stored. Instead of crusading to the Holy Land, the French took a detour and looted the Byzantine Empire of its collected relics and treasures. These were brought back to Italy, and even today, a solid gold jewel-encrusted altar graces the Cathedral of St. Mark. (I doubt that Mark would have approved).

Another theme runs through these documentaries—transportation of treasures, the distribution and concentration of various valuables. Greed and lust demand that one dragon sits on all the treasure, jealously guarding it. But how did it get in the cave in the first place?

Unbelievably, I have watched two other documentaries about that very subject. The first was so dull that even I could not watch more than an hour of it. It was a presentation of the history of the Vatican Library, its construction, and how it came to be stocked with great architecture, works of art, and treasures of minerals, gold, silver, semi-precious stones, and even solid gold sculptures. Kings and rulers from around Europe donated items rare and impressive to be housed in the archives of the Vatican. It was a dull documentary, though, because the information about what was being shown was stilted and sparse. The narrator kept referring to the sovereignty of the Written Word, its importance in spreading salvation, yet he said nothing about it. It was as though the creators of the video assumed that the audience already had enough information on that topic, and that they would prefer to move on to other matters, more interesting or diverting. It was like going to the most interesting repository of information on earth without a guide to elaborate on what I was seeing, to elucidate the meaning of the symbols. It was like arriving at an oasis without a straw or cup.

The final documentary was about the Joseph Smith Papers project. Rather than a cave filled with gold, the treasures that experts in the film are concerned with are mere pieces of paper, and the hand-written scrawl of smudged letters on them, or more specifically, the information they impart. They guard and protect these manuscripts as jealously as the dragon sitting on his bed of gold, yet they are trying to distribute and disseminate copies of them to the entire world. I have journals and school assignments tucked away in boxes, and I sometimes imagine in more delusional moments, scholars or descendants dusting them off to try and figure me out. This is exactly what they are trying to do with one man—Joseph Smith. Why are they trying to learn from a semi-literate farmer from the backwoods of 1800s New York? Not because of wealth, that is for certain. The lusts of the flesh? Ridiculous. It's just a pile of old papers. (One researcher mentioned that some scholars on the project have said they would do their work for free.) Popularity? Ridiculous. Joseph Smith is known for good AND evil, and who wants to have their serious scholarship tainted with claims of gold bibles and angelic visions? For power, then? So far the main power they are seeking in the videos is to dispel myths, misunderstandings, and vicious attacks on the character of Joseph Smith.

Why, then, are they obsessed and giddy about the chance to concentrate this prized treasure and distribute it abroad in the world? Faith seems to be the driving force. Not just concern about reputation, but concern for sharing knowledge with the world, proving the validity of claims made by Joseph, and broadening our view of who he was, what he taught, and what he did.

This treasure can be broadcast, disseminated to the whole world, for almost nothing. And it can cross more than continents and oceans. These "hidden treasures" of "great...knowledge" can cross over to the other side of the veil after we die. Information is that portable. And eternal truths are not trivial—they can actually have a significant bearing on our happiness in the next life, as well as this life. "Seek not after riches nor the vain things of this world; for behold, you cannot carry them with you," Alma tells his son (Alma 39:14). We should seek after more portable treasures.

Lead Kindly Light

Are there really such things as accidents? Especially, are there significant ones?

I watched a video that attempted to explain different dimensions beyond the third dimension. It said the fourth dimension is time. To a being who could see all time at once, we would not appear as we see ourselves; rather, we would appear to be one long snakelike blob, like a dough-boy, extending from a baby-shaped end of the blob to an old, decrepit person end of the blob, with all the stages of growth and development in between. What you see as your trip to school and back would just make you look like a long slinky or extension cord stretched out from your home, to school, and back again. A car accident might make the decrepit end of the blob even more decrepit and hunched over; good health would mean a much longer blob, with a less decrepit looking old end.

It struck me that, if you put that long dough-boy representing the entire life of a person on a wheel (since change in time happens in cycles, circles, orbits, revolutions, rotations, sine waves, oscillations, pulses, etc.), you could imagine various external forces shaping the development of that long blob, the way fingers wet with slip can massage a lump of clay on a potter's wheel into a cup or a vase. I mentioned a car accident changing the physical shape of a person; what about other accidents that change the internal makeup or structure of the same person?

Obviously, the Lord is the Potter throwing the clay in this metaphorical scenario. 911 is the phone number we dial in emergencies, when accidents happen; in Eccl. 9:11 we read, "I returned, and saw under the sun, that the race is not to the swift, nor the battle to the strong, neither yet bread to the wise, nor yet riches to men of understanding, nor yet favour to men of skill; but time and chance happeneth to them all." This suggests that one person may do everything right, and have one tiny misfortune lead to ruin, while another person may be doing the wrong thing, or minding his own business, and suddenly find himself in possession of his heart's desire. "...time and chance," forces of nature and objects jostling about bump into each other, and the outcome is random.

Let me go back to that image of a four dimensional person as a long rope of clay. It occurs to me that the Lord can not only subject us to various forces to shape and tutor us. He can also weave our paths so that we crisscross, mingling and colliding with each other to accomplish His ultimate purposes. Jesus described people who are born again as being led by the Spirit, like the blowing wind, to show up at certain places and times. John 3:8, "The wind bloweth where it listeth, and thou hearest the sound thereof, but canst not tell whence it cometh, and whither it goeth: so is every one that is born of the Spirit." Below is a segment of an article by Catherine M. Thomas, "Alma the Younger, Part 1":

"Joseph Smith wrote, 'At the first organization in heaven we were all present, and saw the Savior chosen and appointed and the plan of salvation made, and we sanctioned it.' What was this first organization? Brigham Young quoted Joseph Smith: 'Be sure to tell the people to keep the spirit of the Lord; and if they will, they will find themselves just as they were organized by our Father in Heaven before they came into the world. Our Father in Heaven organized the human family, but they are all disorganized and in great confusion.' Brigham continued: 'Joseph then showed me the pattern, how they were in the beginning. This I cannot describe, but I saw it, and saw where the Priesthood had been taken from the earth and how it must be joined together, so that there would be a perfect chain from Father Adam to his latest posterity.'"

Imagine all these billions of people, the course of each life, woven together by the Lord. It is easy to guess at why such a structure or organization might be difficult or impossible for a three-dimensional Brigham Young to describe. Repentance might be defined as trying to get one's life in harmony, or on the path, that Heavenly Father intended for that one person to be on in the first place. At best, I can imagine a family tree, gnarled and intertwining from roots to branches; this might be only part of what Brigham Young saw—maybe the rest was people being in the right place at the right time, to have the expected effect upon each other and fulfill their preordained missions in mortality.

All of this happened premortally, in a giant pre-planned layout of humanity; hence my question about genuine accidents. Elder Maxwell noted: "At Christmastime, for instance, we celebrate a special star that announced Jesus' birth at Bethlehem. Thus, the...'little star of Bethlehem' was actually very large in its declaration of divine design! It had to have been placed in its precise orbit long, long before it shone so precisely! Persuasive divine design is underscored in what the Lord has said: 'All things must come to pass in their time' (D&C 64:32). His overseeing precision pertains not only to astrophysical orbits but to human orbits as well. This is such a stunning thing for us to contemplate as to our obligations to 'shine as lights' within our own orbits and personal responsibilities!"

I learned the basic rudiments of crocheting from my paternal grandmother. I could manage to make a rope, and get it to double back on itself. I think I made a somewhat useful pot holder at some point. (Yarn does not respond well to high temperatures; my pot holder got a tan, and ended up in a landfill somewhere, if memory serves.) My grandma, on the other hand, excelled at the craft, and crocheted altar cloths for the Temple. My mother framed one as a wall hanging. I kept the crocheting needle she gave me as a keepsake after she died, stored with my coin collection.

We are not just guided by the Spirit; when we heed its promptings, we are woven together into communities by it. That idea has echoed louder and louder in my head in previous months. Some people claim they get a more fulfilling religious experience fishing or hunting in the wilderness than by attending church on Sunday; others express limitless contempt toward "organized religion." My response to them all is simple: heaven is described to us as "an innumerable company of angels" (Heb. 12:22). I believe one purpose of organized religion, groups and churches, is to prepare us to be part of that innumerable crowd. If we cannot get along with each other here and now, are we fit to be a part of heaven? John suggests not: "If a man say, I love God, and hateth his brother, he is a liar: for he that loveth not his brother whom he hath seen, how can he love God whom he hath not seen?" (1 John 4:20). It is easy to have a good relationship with the Lord, because one of the people in the relationship is perfect. Perfect plus imperfect equals perfect. But what does it mean to be like the Lord? It means, in part, to have the same forgiving, loving, patient attitude towards imperfect people that He does, that He shows to us.

God is not an interstellar hermit. In 1Ne. 1:8, Lehi was "...overcome with the Spirit, he was carried away in a vision, even that he saw the heavens open, and he thought he saw God sitting upon his throne, surrounded with numberless concourses of angels in the attitude of singing and praising their God." He is referred to as "the Lord of Hosts." We read about a great council in the beginning before the creation, and a resulting war in heaven. "...they without us cannot be made perfect—neither can we without our dead be made perfect" (D&C 128:15). "In God’s eternal plan, salvation is an individual matter; exaltation is a family matter" (Elder Nelson, Salvation and Exaltation, April 2008 General Conference).

If we discover God alone (like Abraham did when he cried for help as his family volunteered him for sacrifice), and we stay with God long enough, eventually we will find ourselves as part of a group, a family, even presiding over a family (like Abraham, whose name means "Great Father"). There is no substitute for a private relationship with God, yet God equates our treatment of each other with our treatment of Him. "Inasmuch as ye have done it unto one of the least of these my brethren, ye have done it unto me" (Matt. 25:40, 45). In societies that actually succeed in becoming Zion, or at least being worthy of the term, we read the culturally unacceptable final step they took to achieve the title: "They had all things in common." (Acts 2:44, 4Ne. 1:3). The rule is implied here: "there was no poor among them" (Moses 7:18).

I guess there may be accidents, even significant ones, but I also assume that the Lord has made ample provisions in His web of interconnection for every significant, and even insignificant event. Elder Bednar's landmark talk, The Tender Mercies of the Lord, (April 2005 General Conference) about "tender mercies," those seeming coincidences that let us know the Lord is mindful of us, lays out the idea in detail for examination. Even in the minute details and what seems to be random, the Lord is silently organizing and influencing for good, pressing like a potter on clay.