Much of what I've written on the subject of breaking free from pornography has focused on triage, emphasizing after-the-fact repair and repent tactics. I want instead to focus on prevention. Anything is possible for the one who doesn't have to accomplish it; I understand that talk is cheap, easier said than done, etc. I have no sons of my own. I will try to describe a scenario or process by which the armor of God could be more firmly anchored to our youth to prevent much misery and addiction. My apologies to those who are actually in the parenting and leadership trenches.
Much is said in the Church with regard to the law of chastity, and the attendant constellation of prohibitions, and sins of thought, emotion, desire, and action. The WHAT is drilled firmly into the minds of young men. The main deficiency I see in all this training is a lack of explanation about HOW. In 3Ne. 12, Jesus Himself identifies avoiding lust in one's heart as taking up one's cross. He probably did not use that metaphor lightly or accidentally. The enormity of the task is implied in the metaphor. It is one thing to say what needs to be done; it is a deeper task to explain how to do it.
Avoiding exposure is often mistakenly presented as a solution. Pornography is so widely available that exposure is probably inevitable. It is not so much a question of if, but when. Silence is not a solution either. This is like saying the dirt doesn't exist once it is swept under the carpet. Sin thrives in the dark, like fungus, and light tends to destroy it. Instilling shame and guilt in young men only reinforces concealment. Pornography should not be a young man's introduction into the subject of sex. He should ideally be introduced to the topic in the context of the plan of happiness, the context of reproduction and family.
[11 Jan. 2013 Update: Marriage is also not a solution. One dear friend of mine, a young woman, thought that the intensity of her passion for the young man she was marrying would curtail his appetite for pornographic images. Would she have made the same mistake if her fiance had been a drug addict? (They are now divorced.) Pornography addiction is different from sex in that it eliminates the insecurities and complexities of human relationships, i.e. rejection, criticism, physical illness, trust, misinterpretation of cues, petty bickering, expectations, etc. It is a fantasy world in which the addict can do no wrong, purely a spectator sport; it is not a sign of deprived sexual appetite, any more than drug abuse is, and actual sex performs different emotional functions than pornography consumption, which more closely parallels drug abuse. Real sex requires courage, a chief component of love; pornography shields the addict from the real or imagined pain of relationships and every other species of stress life throws at the addict, the very "fear" that "hath torment" (1 John 4:18). Marriage is an emotional adventure, full of perils; pornography addiction is an evasion of emotional entanglement and genuine intimacy.]
Who Will Jump?
Imagine being confronted with pornography as coming to the edge of a cliff and being tempted to jump despite painful consequences. Why do some jump while others step back? Curiosity and peer pressure may impel some. The scriptures teach us to have our "loins (reproductive equipment) girt about with truth," not ignorance. But if children have been taught to avoid pornography, there must be a deeper explanation as to why some cave to temptation while others walk away.
"Deep unmet needs" is a phrase one psychologist used to describe the motivation that originally drives addictive behavior. I say "originally" because the addiction takes on a life of its own, and becomes a need unto itself, as well as spackle to substitute for deficiencies in one's emotional needs. In other words, having emotional needs met will prevent participation in pornography most of the time. But who has all their needs met all the time? Precious few, it seems. Not everyone is popular, loved, etc. Not everyone has a driving passion or constructive hobby to fill their days with purpose and meaning. Not everyone has a sense of peace, security, control, connectedness, or joy in life. Sorrow, emptiness, frustration and anger, bottled up emotions, stress, and insecurities nip at all our heels one way or another. Salvation is not ultimately through basketball championships or getting attention from that special someone; it is through Jesus Christ, through His Atonement.
Hiding in a monastery, being so busy that there is no time for sin, pretending there is no problem, medication, internet filters, snapping your wrist with a rubber band, repeating the negative consequences of sin over and over, flogging self or others with accusation and guilt, seeking happiness and fulfillment, will all ultimately leave the problem unsolved. Behavior is only a manifestation of the problem, and working from the outside to amend behavior is not the same thing as solving the real problem that lies within.
Alma came out of his coma with this to say on the subject: "And the Lord said unto me: Marvel not that all mankind, yea, men and women, all nations, kindreds, tongues and people, must be born again; yea, born of God, changed from their carnal and fallen state, to a state of righteousness, being redeemed of God, becoming his sons and daughters; And thus they become new creatures; and unless they do this, they can in nowise inherit the kingdom of God" (Mosiah 27:25-26). This spiritual rebirth is the actual solution to the problem of pornography. It is a cure, whereas other tactics, like making sure emotional needs are met, internet filters, willpower, medication, and other human contrivances, are treatments. It is also the right and best form of prevention. Peter did not strap on water skis when he jumped out of the boat to walk on the water, yet we do this in a figurative sense when we try to find a solution to the problem of pornography in our own earthly bag of tricks. "Having no more disposition to do evil, but to do good continually" (Mosiah 5:2). This describes a solution to the real problem of pornography, the condition of the heart. Even if we could apply unlimited willpower and resist, resist, resist temptations until we die, we would still be unfit for heaven because of internal problems, unrighteous desires that need resisting. And even if we could destroy all pornographic material on earth, it would still exist in the minds and hearts of its victims. Such a person is also unfit for heaven. We must be divested of all bad desires at some point before we get into the Celestial Kingdom; why not start now?
Much is said in the Church with regard to the law of chastity, and the attendant constellation of prohibitions, and sins of thought, emotion, desire, and action. The WHAT is drilled firmly into the minds of young men. The main deficiency I see in all this training is a lack of explanation about HOW. In 3Ne. 12, Jesus Himself identifies avoiding lust in one's heart as taking up one's cross. He probably did not use that metaphor lightly or accidentally. The enormity of the task is implied in the metaphor. It is one thing to say what needs to be done; it is a deeper task to explain how to do it.
Avoiding exposure is often mistakenly presented as a solution. Pornography is so widely available that exposure is probably inevitable. It is not so much a question of if, but when. Silence is not a solution either. This is like saying the dirt doesn't exist once it is swept under the carpet. Sin thrives in the dark, like fungus, and light tends to destroy it. Instilling shame and guilt in young men only reinforces concealment. Pornography should not be a young man's introduction into the subject of sex. He should ideally be introduced to the topic in the context of the plan of happiness, the context of reproduction and family.
[11 Jan. 2013 Update: Marriage is also not a solution. One dear friend of mine, a young woman, thought that the intensity of her passion for the young man she was marrying would curtail his appetite for pornographic images. Would she have made the same mistake if her fiance had been a drug addict? (They are now divorced.) Pornography addiction is different from sex in that it eliminates the insecurities and complexities of human relationships, i.e. rejection, criticism, physical illness, trust, misinterpretation of cues, petty bickering, expectations, etc. It is a fantasy world in which the addict can do no wrong, purely a spectator sport; it is not a sign of deprived sexual appetite, any more than drug abuse is, and actual sex performs different emotional functions than pornography consumption, which more closely parallels drug abuse. Real sex requires courage, a chief component of love; pornography shields the addict from the real or imagined pain of relationships and every other species of stress life throws at the addict, the very "fear" that "hath torment" (1 John 4:18). Marriage is an emotional adventure, full of perils; pornography addiction is an evasion of emotional entanglement and genuine intimacy.]
Who Will Jump?
Imagine being confronted with pornography as coming to the edge of a cliff and being tempted to jump despite painful consequences. Why do some jump while others step back? Curiosity and peer pressure may impel some. The scriptures teach us to have our "loins (reproductive equipment) girt about with truth," not ignorance. But if children have been taught to avoid pornography, there must be a deeper explanation as to why some cave to temptation while others walk away.
"Deep unmet needs" is a phrase one psychologist used to describe the motivation that originally drives addictive behavior. I say "originally" because the addiction takes on a life of its own, and becomes a need unto itself, as well as spackle to substitute for deficiencies in one's emotional needs. In other words, having emotional needs met will prevent participation in pornography most of the time. But who has all their needs met all the time? Precious few, it seems. Not everyone is popular, loved, etc. Not everyone has a driving passion or constructive hobby to fill their days with purpose and meaning. Not everyone has a sense of peace, security, control, connectedness, or joy in life. Sorrow, emptiness, frustration and anger, bottled up emotions, stress, and insecurities nip at all our heels one way or another. Salvation is not ultimately through basketball championships or getting attention from that special someone; it is through Jesus Christ, through His Atonement.
Hiding in a monastery, being so busy that there is no time for sin, pretending there is no problem, medication, internet filters, snapping your wrist with a rubber band, repeating the negative consequences of sin over and over, flogging self or others with accusation and guilt, seeking happiness and fulfillment, will all ultimately leave the problem unsolved. Behavior is only a manifestation of the problem, and working from the outside to amend behavior is not the same thing as solving the real problem that lies within.
Alma came out of his coma with this to say on the subject: "And the Lord said unto me: Marvel not that all mankind, yea, men and women, all nations, kindreds, tongues and people, must be born again; yea, born of God, changed from their carnal and fallen state, to a state of righteousness, being redeemed of God, becoming his sons and daughters; And thus they become new creatures; and unless they do this, they can in nowise inherit the kingdom of God" (Mosiah 27:25-26). This spiritual rebirth is the actual solution to the problem of pornography. It is a cure, whereas other tactics, like making sure emotional needs are met, internet filters, willpower, medication, and other human contrivances, are treatments. It is also the right and best form of prevention. Peter did not strap on water skis when he jumped out of the boat to walk on the water, yet we do this in a figurative sense when we try to find a solution to the problem of pornography in our own earthly bag of tricks. "Having no more disposition to do evil, but to do good continually" (Mosiah 5:2). This describes a solution to the real problem of pornography, the condition of the heart. Even if we could apply unlimited willpower and resist, resist, resist temptations until we die, we would still be unfit for heaven because of internal problems, unrighteous desires that need resisting. And even if we could destroy all pornographic material on earth, it would still exist in the minds and hearts of its victims. Such a person is also unfit for heaven. We must be divested of all bad desires at some point before we get into the Celestial Kingdom; why not start now?
What Would I Say?
If I were teaching my own son about how to keep the law of chastity effectively, I would try to convey some of the following ideas (preferably, this would happen before he turned 7 or 8 years old, before the real weight of the cross described above came slamming onto his shoulders):
A temple, according to John A. Widtsoe, is something God puts us in, or through, in order to strengthen us, literally to "endow us with power from on high." Our bodies meet this qualification. Our spirits, when placed in bodies, gain new abilities and powers not previously enjoyed. Among those powers is the power to procreate, and since this requires two people, a man and a woman, this power is accompanied by the ability to fall in love, the capacity for romantic infatuation. Men, at least initially, are attracted visually. As with all powers, there is proper use and destructive abuse of this particular ability.
The proper use of this power is to weld a man and woman together emotionally in marriage, so that their love will result in children, and their continued love will make those children feel secure and develop greater capacity for appropriate kindness, trust, and love towards everyone they encounter later in life.
Pornography takes this capacity for falling, and staying, in love with a spouse, and twists it into lust. Lust has no permanence, and sees people as disposable objects. It switches from one person to the next, rather than finding one person and sticking with that one. This tendency is natural, and one of the reasons marriages are performed at altars. Part of a man's nature is designed for loyalty and fidelity to spouse and children, while another part may retain the capacity to be attracted to other women; restraining that latter, irrational impulse is encompassed by the statement "bridle all your passions" (Alma 38:12). At the altar, we sacrifice the option of wandering from person to person, dating and looking for new partners, and exclude all others except the one to whom we are sealed. Because it is difficult to do, it is a sacrifice, and part of that cross Jesus talks about in 3Ne. 12.
The law of chastity is to have no sexual relations except with your spouse. This extends to the heart and mind. The rule, then, is to "suffer none of these thing to enter into your heart." Temptations are going to be presented to you, regardless of how cautious you are. (This is no reason to not be cautious.) But because it is a commandment, it follows that there must be a way to keep our hearts free from sexual desire for someone we are not married to (see 1Ne. 3:7).
Seek for the mighty change of heart described in the scriptures. When you have it, pornography will cease to appeal to you. Sorrow and disgust for it will replace fascination and excitement. This is not an easy state to reach; it requires divine intervention, Jesus changing your heart. It is not a product of willpower or practice. It requires faith in Christ, deep humility, obedience to the promptings of the Spirit, doing things that invite the Spirit, and avoiding things that offend the Spirit. This includes avoid things that are not even related to pornography, yet are offensive to the Spirit, such as violence presented as entertainment, raucous music, irreverent jokes, breaking the Sabbath, and other things. When you give your whole self, and everything you have to Jesus, then He will change your heart. You give Him your bad heart, and he gives you His heart, His nature, in return. Agency is immutable; He will not overstep it. That is why we must have faith and be humble, and submit our whole soul to receive this mighty change. Ordinances are also crucial; they are the way in which we formalize our commitment, faith, humility, and willingness to do what Jesus asks us to do.
The Book of Mormon also fits Elder Widtsoe's definition of a Temple. When we enter it, we are strengthened. Joseph Smith taught that we will get nearer to God by abiding by its precepts than any other book (not just by reading it). Part of the reason for that is its clear and powerful teachings about spiritual rebirth, the mighty change of heart. If you will make a diligent search of the Book of Mormon and identify everything you need to do in order to secure this change of heart, this endowment of power from on high, for yourself, you will find strength to resist temptations, and eventually, freedom from temptations that used to "easily beset" you. You will find added power to do your duty and live a good LDS life. I have never gotten to a point in my life when I felt that I had outgrown the scriptures. Instead of qualifying me to move on to other things, each increase in understanding has merely shown me how much more there is for me to derive from the scriptures. Get a testimony of them, study them daily, and the Spirit will change your heart, and protect you from evil. It will not only lead you away from evil, it will also guide you to do, and become, good.
