This commandment has some features that distinguish it from all other commandments. We can keep almost all other commandments by ourselves. (I do not need someone’s permission to obey the law of tithing, for instance.) Only the commandment to consecrate everything we own to God and live as a community with one heart, one mind, one checkbook, and one pantry even comes close to the need for mortal cooperation to live the commandment to marry for time and eternity. In order to obey this commandment, we need another mortal’s consent. That person must agree to spend, not just the rest of his or her life with us, but the rest of eternity. How do we repent of not being chosen by someone else? Obviously, obedience to this commandment has an intuitively organic component to it. It cannot be forced; it must happen naturally. Yet I cannot imagine Nephi waiting passively outside of Jerusalem for Laban to die of natural causes before obtaining the brass plates, either.
There is an element of hypocrisy for me to write about this subject; I am still single, well beyond the threshold of marriageable years. Clearing the hurdle of marriage can make it seem easy; to singles, it can seem like reaching the summit of a mountain. Those who marry have moved on, and are tackling other things like keeping their marriage healthy, sustaining careers, and raising children. I am writing from the hard side of the barrier, “from the trenches.” If a lack of personal success invalidates my words, so be it, but I feel like writing about what I see because there are so many despairing and disparaging voices. Negative feelings about marriage reign supreme among Latter-day Saint singles. It is vogue to beat up on marriage itself, inside and outside the Church.
Conundrum
I have often wondered why this phase of our eternal progression was established as the part where we select an eternal companion. In so many ways this mortal life is a pigsty, physically and morally. We undoubtedly had more poise and beauty when we lived with God in heaven before the creation of the world. We will undoubtedly be much more dignified and glorious after the resurrection. We are at the nadir of our existence; only outer darkness is lower. Yet this is the first time we have physical bodies that enable us to fall in love and beget offspring. Why send us here, cover us with flaws and blemishes, and then tell us to choose our eternal companions?
Most answers would be speculation. Perhaps we marry here because death enables any marriage not fit to rise in the resurrection to be dissolved; it protects us from getting stuck in a bad situation. Perhaps it is a trial, a drill or dry run, wherein we show our worthiness to carry this burden of procreative power and marriage for all eternity. Perhaps if we can succeed here in this miniature version of exaltation and eternal family, we can succeed anywhere. Perhaps we marry for eternity in a place where we have all these blemishes so that we can learn to love our spouse for whom he or she really is inside. Perhaps letting us marry in a state where we are beset by problems and maladies of all kinds welds us together as teams. We may still have to choose the same partner all over again when we face Jesus at judgment, and if we met a variety of challenging circumstances with that person (including creating a family), we will have enough faith in our previous partners to choose them all over again.
For the world, choosing a marriage partner is just that, choosing. “’Til death do us part” is the time limit. They throw the dice and take the plunge. It is a gamble, an attempt to enhance personal temporal happiness. Latter-day Saints have an augmented view of marriage, its eternal potential, and its imperative nature as a commandment we must keep. There are many potential factors that complicate the question of marriage for Latter-day Saints.
Many complications arise as we attempt to blend the worldly view of marriage with the covenant view of marriage as described in the scriptures and the Temples. Some arise as we attempt to blend what we have learned so far about the gospel with this unique commandment.
Paradigm Shift: Marriage and Revelation
Our relationship with God is, for the most part, like the relationship between a wealthy patron at a restaurant, and a waiter or waitress. The wealthy patron flips through the menu, points to what he wants, and the waiter or waitress scrambles back and forth from the kitchen to the dining hall trying to procure his selection. God gives us the commandments, and we find Nephi’s “way” (1Ne. 3:7) prepared that we may accomplish the difficult tasks we are assigned. This can be fairly automatic on our part; we hear and obey. This system includes a definite right and a definite wrong.
Marriage stands the paradigm on its head. The Lord hands us the menu, so to speak, and asks us to make a choice from among his sons or daughters. We have to activate our brains to keep this commandment successfully. True, most real food menus do not have frank poisons on them. There are people who are unfit for marriage, and some of them can hide this unfitness very well. Addictions, lust, bratty attitudes, inability to budget money, explosive or abusive tempers, general selfishness, and many other bad qualities can lurk unseen behind pretty and handsome faces. The Lord will warn us with that stupor of thought and sense of unsettled darkness inside our hearts if we ever come to the verge of making such a dangerous decision.
But setting those landmines aside, we have a collection of physically, mentally, and spiritually healthy individuals on our radars at any given time. (If we are among those Temple worthy, physically healthy individuals, we are among those commanded to marry.) Is it possible to make a wrong choice from among them? If we walk into an ice cream parlor, a wide variety of flavors presents itself. Is it possible to make a wrong choice there? We sing the hymn, “Choose the Right,” stating firmly that there is a right and a wrong to every question. What if the only wrong choice when choosing from among fit partners is simply not to choose at all, or to delay choosing? If Satan cannot get us to sin flagrantly, he might settle for getting us to delay marriage until we are too old to have children, or never. Procrastination is a choice, too.
Instead of choosing for us, or leaving us totally on our own, Father in heaven might give us general notions of what is right: “And the place where it is my will that you should tarry, for the main, shall be signalized unto you by the peace and power of my Spirit, that shall flow unto you” (D&C 111:8). He can guide us to the general vicinity of the optimum places and the best potential spouses. There is too much at stake with marriage to leave things completely to chance, or our to own intelligence.
A radio program I heard recently depicted a fictional mother telling her fictional son to get married. Why do young people psychoanalyze each other so much, looking for the “right” one? she asked. Everyone is right to some degree, and everyone is wrong to some degree, she chided him. His job was to learn how to make the inevitable wrongs OK, or learn how to live with them. Make your choice, then strive to make it the right choice, was the general idea. Though we might be steered away from disaster by the Lord, there is some degree of inevitable discomfort built into every potential marriage couple. New shoes must be broken in; couples must learn how to accommodate each others’ minor issues. Even a perfect couple faces external pressures.
Marriage is according to our own free will and choice, ultimately. To approach the question of marriage by asking God whom we should marry is like going into a restaurant, sitting down, reviewing the menu, and asking the waiter what we should choose. This approach is great for keeping most commandments—God prepares a way to accomplish them, a pre-established path. It is nonsense, however, when we approach the commandment of marriage. Asking the Lord whom we should or shouldn’t marry is like asking a waiter at a restaurant, “What do I want?” That’s not how restaurants work. Marriage seems to be similar; it is our choice. Sometimes choices are between right and wrong; sometimes choices are just based on personal preferences.
This is not merely a chance to select from among flavors of ice cream or other trivial menu items; this is selecting an eternal marriage partner, one with whom we will spend the rest of mortality and the eternities together. Shouldn’t we expect to receive some divine guidance with a selection of that magnitude?
Obviously the answer is yes, but the yes has a few provisos attached to it, and these can be obstacles for Latter-day Saints in the search for a marriage partner.
“For behold, it is not meet that I should command in all things; for he that is compelled in all things, the same is a slothful and not a wise servant; wherefore he receiveth no reward.
“Verily I say, men should be anxiously engaged in a good cause, and do many things of their own free will, and bring to pass much righteousness;
“For the power is in them, wherein they are agents unto themselves…” (D&C 58:27-29).
“Revelations from God—the teachings and directions of the Spirit—are not constant. We believe in continuing revelation, not continuous revelation. We are often left to work out problems without the dictation or specific direction of the Spirit. That is part of the experience we must have in mortality” (Elder Dallin H. Oaks, Teaching and Learning by the Spirit, March 1997 Ensign).
God will guide us, but not choose for us. This makes getting revelation about whom to marry more complicated. If we expect God to decide for us, we may mistake anything for the kind of guidance He intends not to give.
God Hears the Heart
I believe that the Lord will look past our prayers we offer with our mouth to the desires of our hearts. He will answer the prayers we offer sincerely within our hearts. It is “counted evil unto a man, if he shall pray and not with real intent of heart; yea, and it profiteth him nothing, for God receiveth none such” (Moroni 7:9). Consider two hypothetical young women, each praying fervently to find someone to marry. They both offer the same verbal prayer: “Dear Father in heaven, please help me to find a good spouse.”
They pray the same words, but each has a much different vision than the other of what they mean. When the first one says “good spouse,” what she means is a husband who never does anything wrong, reads her mind whenever she feels out of sorts and caters to her every whim, makes millions of dollars, and will father several perfect children with her who will all follow her instructions to the letter, never have any health problems or spiritual blemishes, and with whom she can live in perfect uninterrupted health, wealth, peace, and harmony until she and her perfect man are one hundred years old. Their children and grandchildren and great grandchildren will leave their mansions and Ivy League colleges to come and visit at their estate for holidays and have enormous reunions where they will sing the praises of Grandma. She desires ease, convenience, and a problem-free existence.
Even if all these images could not be derived objectively from her verbal statement, “find a good spouse,” let’s say all these hopes were implicitly present in her heart. Even if all that health, wealth and love is waiting in the wings for her, is there such a thing as a problem-free existence here in mortality? Her prayers along the lines of, “Is he the right one for me, Father?” will likely be answered “No,” because no man or marriage would fit that unrealistic description. Hardships of all kinds are deliberately designed into the Lord’s program. What her mouth prayed for exists in reality; what her heart yearns for is unrealistic.
The prayer of her heart will be honored above the prayer of her mouth, and unless she modifies her desires her prayers about potential partners might get negative responses. God blesses or curses us according to the desires of our hearts.
Let’s take hypothetical girl number two. She offers the exact same verbal prayer: “Dear Father in heaven, please help me to find a good spouse.”
Number two has very different expectations. She is prepared for a husband who smells bad after he mows the lawn, but not a man who is abusive or unfaithful. She is prepared for children who get the measles and need glasses, but who love her and honor her. She is prepared for the discomfort of pregnancy. She is prepared for bills to come knocking and pile up, and has faith that God will enable them to see the finances through. She is prepared to sacrifice career ambitions to take the time to raise any children she has. She is prepared to look into the mirror and see wrinkles and gray hairs appear, and for her husband’s hairline to recede while his waistline expands and his muscles shrink. She understands that one day she will probably have to bury his dead body, unless she dies first. She is aware that children become teens become adults, and that they will have to choose for themselves, and they might lose their way and wander from the gospel path for a time. She faces all these potential rigors of marriage and family with courage, and accepts voluntarily these possible burdens. (She is imitating the premortal Messiah in her own way, who accepted voluntarily the calling and burdens of being the Savior.)
God would be more likely to answer her prayer by directing her to a real man with real flaws, who also had the ability to help her fulfill her premortal assignments. If she met such a man, and prayed for a confirmation, the Lord would be more likely to give her a confirmation that it was alright to proceed and marry him. What she wants in her heart, and what is available in reality, are very nearly aligned. Her heart is educated; she has realistic expectations, and the Lord will be more likely to honor them.
(I have used female petitioners here, but the same scenario works with a realistic male and an unrealistic male.)
Imagine a sailor going out to explore with Columbus. This man kneels by his cot and prays earnestly, “Dear God, don’t let us sail off the edge of the earth.” How could our Father in heaven answer such a prayer? It is loaded with false premises. It is gibberish.
God answers the prayers of our hearts, not just our mouths. If what we truly desire in our hearts does not exist, our prayers are nonsense. He will probably not answer such prayers affirmatively. Wanting something that actually exists is harder to do, because it mingles the bitter with the sweet. The beauty of youth is connected to eventual decay and old age. Children are cute and sweet, but they also throw tantrums and ruin furniture. To ask for help to get married means being willing to endure all these things, the good with the bad, bitter and sweet together. Marriages are contracted at altars, the ancient stations of sacrifice; convenience is not exactly implicit here.
Mercifully, we have been blessed with attraction for each other; it can obscure hardships completely at first. Getting married while these rose-tinted spectacles are in place is unwise, yet wise at the same time; waiting too long means the fog of bliss begins to lift, and then choosing a spouse is like going in for an operation after the anesthetic has begun to wear off. Blinders keep a horse from getting spooked; romantic infatuation keeps us from being afraid to approach the altar. Being scared off by the inevitable hardships is worse than being aware of them and avoiding marriage altogether.
Knowledge of the sacrifices associated with marriage may dissuade many Latter-day Saint young men and women from getting married. The freedom of going where we want, when we want, privacy, games and toys, each has its appeal. The sacrifices of marriage might be real, but the rewards are also real. It is sad how many of us have traded our birthright to become spouses and parents for the decoys and distractions of this world. The vision of the Tree of Life, counterpoised against the Great and Spacious Building, plays out palpably in the lives of LDS singles (see 1Ne. 8).
One married couple I know became acquainted when a massive solar flare interrupted the power grid in New York City. There was nothing for them to do but sit around talking. They eventually married in the Temple and now have several children. It is astonishing that God had to pull the plug on one of the biggest cities on earth just to match them up. Just how hypnotized are we by the glitz of neon triviality?
Knowing what is good for us is not the same thing as wanting it. God will look past our outward expressions and good words to our hearts. Peter and John both had desires, Jesus granted them their desires, and Peter was miffed about it. “…the Lord said unto Peter: If I will that he tarry till I come, what is that to thee? For he desired of me that he might bring souls unto me, but thou desiredst that thou mightest speedily come unto me in my kingdom…
“…ye shall both have according to your desires, for ye both joy in that which ye have desired” (D&C 7:4, 8). In God’s economy, the desires of the heart outweigh almost everything else. He blesses or smites us according to our firm desires, and we cannot fake ourselves or fool the Lord about what we really want.
Perhaps we should examine our hearts with courage and honesty, and discuss with the Lord what is locked inside of that invisible space. He can change our hearts and instill righteous desires, if we cooperate with Him.
Self-Improvement Trap
An up-close look at the gospel will convince the casual enthusiast that it is all about self-improvement. Going from bad to good and from good to better is a part of the gospel. All improvements in our behavior, thinking, and habits fit under the category of repentance. It is easy to forget in the midst of all this repenting that the point of the gospel, the long view of the plan of salvation, is to form a nucleus of heaven, as Josephs Smith put it, here on earth—a family. The crowning ordinance of the Temple is eternal marriage, sealing to spouse. Perfection is essentially impossible for us flawed mortals, and if we delay marriage until we have no flaws, we will never marry.
Ironically, marriage and its demands on us may be the best self-improvement program of all. Health, finances, responsibility for others, productive use of time, goals, and many other facets of life get a statistical boost from marriage. Elder Scott of the Quorum of the Twelve suggested that delaying marriage could allow negative behaviors to persist and become ingrained in us.
Nephi wails about his sins and flaws, even after all the miraculous events in his life (see 2Ne. 4:16). Regardless of his flawed spiritual, behavioral and emotional state (as he characterizes it, at least), he married and raised a family.
Making allowance for our minor flaws, and the flaws of potential marriage partners, will make marriage less daunting, and foster realistic expectations while culling unrealistic ones.
A Temple marriage is the point of the gospel, ultimately. Receiving all the ordinances but this one is like building a pyramid without a top—it is pointless. It is halting just before the finish line at the end of a race.
Reaching the point of being ready to get married requires a certain amount of different kinds of energy in a person’s life. Career, dating, socializing, appearing and being healthy and happy, all need to be present to significant degrees. Most singles have these. There is also the person’s internal emotional state. The desire for marriage outweighs all those other outward necessities. Satan knows this, and so he attacks the desire for marriage through many means. If that fire can be extinguished or dimmed, our actions will reflect that hesitation, and we will be less likely to marry. It takes a whole quiver full of virtues in both partners before they are willing to cross the threshold. Faith, courage, hope, love, humility, obedience, and everything else Jesus Christ exhibited in mortal life, all the virtues, will propel people into marriage, and then be put to the test in marriage. The adversary tries to sap these virtues, this energy, out of singles and their relationships. One way to do this is to warp the gospel into a plan of obsessive perfectionism that does not accept any flaws in self or others.
Satan’s Tailored Darts
I find that most LDS single people have narratives they recite about the fatal flaws that will keep them from marriage. I believe that Satan and his angels tailor scripts for each of us to recite, and that they feed these into our minds subtly yet continuously. What we believe determines how we feel and how we act. If Satan can get us to believe things that will keep us from wanting or trying to get married, he can thwart us.
(Before going any further, it is worth noting that any sins we commit, anything we do to drive away the right Spirit, increases Satan’s access to our minds, hearts, and spirits. “And that wicked one cometh and taketh away light and truth, through disobedience…” (D&C 93:39). We limit Satan’s access to our hearts and minds by being humble, avoiding evil, and obeying the commandments.)
As I listen to what comes out of the mouths of LDS singles in their fits of despair over marriage, I find a lot of “too” statements. “I can never marry,” we moan. Why? Because we’re too tall, too short, too fat, too thin, too old, too young, too smart, too dumb, too pretty, too ugly, too rich, too poor, and on and on. Believing these things engenders doubt and despair, which deactivate the pursuit of marriage and stanch motivation. Even things that are silly or trivial will fill this role, so long as Satan can get us to believe these flaws are fatal to marriage, or marriage prospects. (The resulting depression and depleted confidence can make us less attractive and drive others away, which reinforces our perception that all is hopeless.)
If darts customized for me were hurtled at someone else, they would be less effective, even ridiculous. They only work when we believe them, and there must be grain of truth to them before they can dissuade us. Since no one is perfect, and people manage to be married happily anyway, it is unreasonable to assume that all flaws will prevent marital bliss. Disentangling the truth that we are flawed from the lie that these flaws are necessarily incompatible with getting married is the way out. If our eyesight is poor, that does not necessarily mean we are totally blind. Eye glasses can correct vision; we get accustomed to wearing them, and live life as though we had no vision problems. Tall or short are both fine, as long as neither is TOO tall or TOO short for marriage in our internal belief systems.
It is true we have flaws; Satan wants us to believe they are fatal flaws, impenetrable barriers forever separating us from our hopes of joyful marriage. Moses was doubtful about his call to lead the children of Israel out of bondage. He nervously tugged at the Lord’s robes, looking for reassurance. Moses cites his weakness as a reason not to send him: “And Moses said unto the Lord, O my Lord, I am not eloquent, neither heretofore, nor since thou hast spoken unto thy servant: but I am slow of speech, and of a slow tongue.” (In other words, I was a lousy public speaker before we met, and now that I’m here, you haven’t taken this flaw away.)
“And the Lord said unto him, Who hath made man’s mouth? or who maketh the dumb, or deaf, or the seeing, or the blind? have not I the Lord?
“Now therefore go…” (Ex. 4:10-12). In other words, “I give unto men weakness” (Ether 12:27). The Lord is well aware of our innate deficiencies, even the ones that impair our potential as spouses, but He gave them to us, He will help us with them, and He expects us to move forward anyway, instead of pretending that all our flaws will, or should, magically melt away at some point before we reach the altar.
Emotional Baggage Becoming Landmines
There ARE a few emotional traits and false ideas we might pack around as heavy baggage, hidden in our hearts, that really can potentially ruin a marriage. They really have fatal power, but we tend to be more comfortable with these hidden flaws. One is fearful distrust, suspicion; the other is a latent expectation that we can reform and groom a partner, criticizing him or her into a state of perfection.
Pygmalion Projecting
One tailored attack is fear that comes from thinking about failed marriages and potential difficulties in marriage, and fears that we are doomed share the same fate. (One psychologist called this “awfulizing.”) Finding someone who has a great deal of capacity for compromise and flexibility, and bringing a huge helping of those traits into marriage ourselves, can be a great comfort against such fears. But if we imagine reforming our future partner continuously to meet our standards after marriage, that is a real red flag. The desire to reshape a spouse is worse than any of the common “too” flaws Satan hurtles at singles to deter us. That kind of thinking is the opposite of flexibility and compromise; it is a version of Satan’s plan of compulsory righteousness. The Spirit cannot bless people who have that mentality (see D&C 121:37). Unless we repent, it can be fatal to future marriage.
A cousin of this overhaul-our-spouse mentality is waiting for Mr. or Miss Perfection to arrive while dismissing viable, suitable options in the meantime. We each have flaws; what entitles us to marry someone without flaws?
Distrust as Tacit Accusations
It is a great irony that the fear divorce is likely to cause it. Fear and love are mutually exclusive. “There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear: because fear hath torment. He that feareth is not made perfect in love” (1John 4:18). Fear of divorce is the same thing as deep distrust of a partner, a tacit accusation; packing around deep distrust for another person affects how we treat that person. Distrust leads to suspicion, which manifests itself as unkindness that will ruin a relationship, and so it can eventually become a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Taking the inability to trust into marriage is like riding a horse with one foot in the stirrup and one foot on the ground. The rider might think he or she is just being cautious, but really, this person is ruining the relationship by preparing to bail out of it at a moment’s notice. It can be very difficult, but the ability to love like we have never been hurt (and most of us have) is necessary to a successful marriage.
The quality of a relationship is proportional to the mutual vulnerability in that relationship. Accepting that potential exposure to emotional injury is part of the price of having an excellent marriage. (This is not an excuse to be cruel. If we are emotionally abusive, or intend to be unkind, we are also unfit for marriage. Not being worth to go to the Temple is another ticking time bomb that can wreck marriage. Pornography addiction, or any other addiction, disqualifies us, and should be thoroughly eliminated through repentance, before we marry). If we are unable to set aside fears associated with vulnerability, we really are not yet prepared for marriage.
If we imagine overriding a spouse’s agency for our own comfort, we are not yet ready for marriage. If fear of emotional intimacy is a permanent feature on our mental landscape, we must clean it up before we marry. Being too tall or too skinny is not nearly as bad as bringing these kinds of emotional poisons to the altar.
Lulled Into Carnal Security
Conflating the current trends in society with revelation and gospel principles creates drag and friction that can make it difficult for single Latter-day Saints to progress towards Temple marriage.
Elder Cook recently observed:
“I believe it is of particular importance in our day, when Satan is raging in the hearts of men in so many new and subtle ways, that our choices and decisions be made carefully, consistent with the goals and objectives by which we profess to live. We need unequivocal commitment to the commandments and strict adherence to sacred covenants. When we allow rationalizations to prevent us from temple endowments…and temple marriage, they are particularly harmful. It is heartbreaking when we profess belief in these goals yet neglect the everyday conduct required to achieve them.
“Some young people profess their goal is to be married in the temple but do not date temple-worthy individuals. To be honest, some don’t even date, period! You single men, the longer you remain single after an appropriate age and maturity, the more comfortable you can become, but the more uncomfortable you ought to become! Please get ‘anxiously engaged’ in spiritual and social activities compatible with your goal of a temple marriage.
“Some postpone marriage until education is complete and a job obtained. While widely accepted in the world, this reasoning does not demonstrate faith, does not comply with counsel of modern prophets, and is not compatible with sound doctrine” (Choose Wisely, Oct. 2014 General Conference).
It is also not compatible with biology. Human fertility for males and females peaks between the ages of 18 and 25 years. If multiplying and replenishing the earth is our goal, Satan’s goal will be to keep us single until this physical capacity dims or deactivates. We may need all that money from our precious careers to afford fertility specialists to help turn back our unwinding biological clocks, if we want to beget our own kids.
Nephi warns us about the ways the adversary will try to get us to procrastinate:
“For behold, at that day shall he rage in the hearts of the children of men, and stir them up to anger against that which is good” (2Ne. 28:20). I have seen LDS singles convulse with sarcastic, angry faces at the idea of marriage. I once saw three young people stand up and leave the classroom in a huff when a substitute institute teacher began speaking about eternal marriage. (Perhaps they had come for a discussion on self-improvement.) “…they began to be offended…” (Alma 35:15) by a discussion of the thing they needed most to hear, a discussion of the next step in their eternal progression, the next ordinance they needed.
One trap is to view “single” as one’s identity, and thus to interpret any discussion of marriage as an affront, a direct assault or accusation, an insinuation that “You’re not good enough.”
I believe that the adversary plants imaginary hurts, slights, and injuries in our minds to dissuade us from marriage and destroy our hopes and desires for happiness in marriage. He will try to get us to misinterpret advice as assaults or belittling. He will try to “stir [us] up to anger against that which is good” (2Ne 28:20).
One young man I knew (who later left the Church) said of marriage, “I don’t want to pay for some girl’s lotion and shampoo!” Also, “I don’t want to sleep on the couch.” Satan had convinced him that marriage would be an unhappy relationship; that it would consist largely of him working to finance a woman’s laziness, and kowtowing to her capricious whims and tyrannical bossiness while she callously neglected any needs of his. This nightmare vision of marriage incorporated some negative elements from his parents’ relationship. Satan had blended truth and lies skillfully in this young man’s mind, and he was angry at his wife before he even knew who she would be.
A young woman I am familiar with is scared to death of marriage, and angry at a man she has never met (her future husband), because she is convinced that she is not pretty enough, and that he will be swept away by the flood of pornography that is saturating modern society, or be addicted to videogames (another potential fatal vice). She also draws some of this fear from her own parents’ relationship. Her desires for marriage are shaky most of the time.
Notice how both of these people were tricked into accusing and hating their spouses before they even came into being! “Devil” means “accuser” (or “gossip,” or “slanderer”). He was fooling them into taking on his role. They were putting up emotional barriers and preparing to bail out of their marriages before they even came into existence. This kind of thinking is infects a good percentage of singles; we need merely scratch the surface, and we can see fears of disappointment and betrayal and unmet needs morph into anger and accusation. It is preemptive warfare, arming for conflict before a single shot has been fired (while both parties are praying desperately for this same supposed enemy to become their ally, strangely).
Nephi continues to warn us of the adversary’s tactics:
“And others will he pacify, and lull them away into carnal security, that they will say: All is well in Zion; yea, Zion prospereth, all is well—and thus the devil cheateth their souls, and leadeth them away carefully down to hell.
“And behold, others he flattereth away, and telleth them there is no hell; and he saith unto them: I am no devil, for there is none—and thus he whispereth in their ears, until he grasps them with his awful chains, from whence there is no deliverance…they…must stand before…God, and be judged…they must go into the place prepared for them, even a lake of fire and brimstone, which is endless torment” (2Ne 28:22-23).
I have met LDS singles who believe that people will be satisfied with being assigned to the terrestrial and telestial kingdoms. To be assigned to these kingdoms, even with all their peace and glory, is to be clinically, technically, literally damned. Damnation means being stopped in our progression, and this is the state of those who are assigned to those kingdoms. If we are comfortable gazing on the distant summit of marriage our entire adult lives, but never attempting an ascent, perhaps we can be comfortable gazing at the exaltation of others for eternity and be pleasantly comfortable. I doubt this will be the case. We read of weeping, wailing, and gnashing of teeth.
Many LDS youths are deceived into thinking that they can neglect the work of dating and courtship here in mortality because the Lord will assign them a partner after they die. The prophets resoundingly reassure those who are single not of their own free will that their righteous desires will be met hereafter, but I hear no reassurance for those who simply delay marriage even when it is a real option for them. One general authority lamented that he would not want to be the man who has to explain why none of God’s daughters were good enough for him. “This life is the time for men to prepare to meet God; yea, behold the day of this life is the day for men to perform their labors…if ye have procrastinated the day of your repentance even until death, behold, ye have become subjected to the spirit of the devil, and he doth seal you his…” (Alma 34:32, 35). We have bodies capable of falling in love and procreating here and now. Between death and the resurrection seems like an inconvenient time to choose.
Procrastinating marriage until later is dangerous. This life has the virtue of being correctable, a sandbox where we can draw via choices and erase via repentance. We can learn and progress by our mistakes as well as our good choices. Will that option be available in the next life? It will be seriously curtailed, if it is available. As President Eyring puts it, “someday” can be the enemy of today.
It has been a long time, but I remember hearing one LDS youth deny the role of Satan in our lives, and he did so in a Church setting.
All of Nephi’s warnings in the Book of Mormon have been validated in my presence by Latter-day Saints. At least these things are not universal, but many singles are being tripped up by everything on Nephi’s list in 2Ne 28.
Fear
When the children of Israel approached the promised land for the first time, Moses sent twelve spies, one from each tribe, to scout the land (see Numbers 13). Ten returned with fearful tales of giants and walled cities; two returned with good tidings of fruitful soil and harvests of grapes.
“And all the congregation lifted up their voice, and cried; and the people wept that night.
“And all the children of Israel murmured against Moses and against Aaron: and the whole congregation said unto them, Would God that we had died in the land of Egypt! or would God we had died in this wilderness!
“And wherefore hath the Lord brought us unto this land, to fall by the sword, that our wives and our children should be a prey? were it not better for us to return into Egypt?” (Num. 14: 1-3).
“Ye endeavored to believe that ye should receive the blessing which was offered unto you; but behold, verily I say unto you there were fears in your hearts, and verily this is the reason that ye did not receive” (D&C 67:10).
If Satan can get us to fear the burdens associated with marriage, and think ourselves unfit or incapable of bearing them, he might dissuade us from approaching the altar. Fear competes with the desire for marriage in many of us singles.
Covenant, Not Contract
Misunderstandings of gospel principles can trip up LDS singles.
God gives us great blessings in association with marriage—some of the greatest available in this life, and the greatest of all in the next world, eternal life. Why does He give them? Undoubtedly, He wants us to be happy. The happiness is real, but it is secondary to completing tasks we covenant to fulfill.
Why give a couple the great joys and satisfaction of being married? Because the quality of their relationship will benefit the emotional and physical wellbeing of their children.
Why exalt a couple, give them all power and knowledge and virtues? Because those gifts will be necessary for them to raise unlimited posterity in the next world.
Begetting children and creating family are the main reasons for marriage, the continuation of God’s plan to resurrect and exalt His children. Self-gratification is secondary, even expendable, here.
In fact, the bride and groom do not make promises to each other in the Temple. While their promises include complete fidelity, they covenant strictly with the Lord.
Heber C. Kimball explained, “I want you to understand that you make covenants with God, and not with [man].” (Heber C. Kimball, Journal of Discourses, Advancement in Gospel Principles, Etc., p. 127). While it is true that we promise to do everything that is expected in marriage when we are sealed in the Temple, those commitments to do so are aimed at God. We make promises to Him, covenants with Him.
Only the Lord is capable of fulfilling all the promises made to couples who marry in the Temple; only the Lord is capable of deciding and administering consequences for breaking those covenants.
This may come as a shock to Latter-day Saints, single or married. If a marriage covenant involves the Lord, and it is dedicated to Him, it is entitled to His sustaining influence and protection. The couple can expect guidance from Him, too.
An awareness of the nature of the covenant, contrasted with the worldly view of marriage, will help keep our hearts in the right condition to marry in the Temple.
Part of keeping the covenant in this life is to care for each other, beget children, and create a family. We keep this promise to the Lord, and rely on His help to succeed. All of those activities aim our efforts at someone else’s happiness. Who gets married with the intent to serve God and fellow men? But that is what the marriage covenant entails.
Sum
Despair, fear, and anger fostered by Satan, each contribute to perpetuating singlehood in the Church. Financial concerns, worries about being poor, worldly scrutiny and fashions, betrayal, and fears of personal flaws being unacceptable, enervate dating and courtship. Misunderstanding the nature of Temple marriage also hurts us before and after marriage. Getting stuck on a decoy hamster wheel of self-improvement can defer marriage indefinitely. Having unrealistic expectations about a spouse or life in general, or a poor understanding of the commandments, impairs our ability to receive guidance and help from the Lord in finding a suitable spouse. Any good thing has the capacity to displace the most important things, if we are not careful.
The rising generation has less fear of marriage; I still see wedding invitations with the word “Temple” printed on them. For those of us struggling to get out of the cocoon of bachelorhood and spinsterhood, it is good to have the adversary’s tactics unmasked, and our own blind spots cleared up.
Covenant, Not Contract
Misunderstandings of gospel principles can trip up LDS singles.
God gives us great blessings in association with marriage—some of the greatest available in this life, and the greatest of all in the next world, eternal life. Why does He give them? Undoubtedly, He wants us to be happy. The happiness is real, but it is secondary to completing tasks we covenant to fulfill.
Why give a couple the great joys and satisfaction of being married? Because the quality of their relationship will benefit the emotional and physical wellbeing of their children.
Why exalt a couple, give them all power and knowledge and virtues? Because those gifts will be necessary for them to raise unlimited posterity in the next world.
Begetting children and creating family are the main reasons for marriage, the continuation of God’s plan to resurrect and exalt His children. Self-gratification is secondary, even expendable, here.
In fact, the bride and groom do not make promises to each other in the Temple. While their promises include complete fidelity, they covenant strictly with the Lord.
Heber C. Kimball explained, “I want you to understand that you make covenants with God, and not with [man].” (Heber C. Kimball, Journal of Discourses, Advancement in Gospel Principles, Etc., p. 127). While it is true that we promise to do everything that is expected in marriage when we are sealed in the Temple, those commitments to do so are aimed at God. We make promises to Him, covenants with Him.
Only the Lord is capable of fulfilling all the promises made to couples who marry in the Temple; only the Lord is capable of deciding and administering consequences for breaking those covenants.
This may come as a shock to Latter-day Saints, single or married. If a marriage covenant involves the Lord, and it is dedicated to Him, it is entitled to His sustaining influence and protection. The couple can expect guidance from Him, too.
An awareness of the nature of the covenant, contrasted with the worldly view of marriage, will help keep our hearts in the right condition to marry in the Temple.
Part of keeping the covenant in this life is to care for each other, beget children, and create a family. We keep this promise to the Lord, and rely on His help to succeed. All of those activities aim our efforts at someone else’s happiness. Who gets married with the intent to serve God and fellow men? But that is what the marriage covenant entails.
Sum
Despair, fear, and anger fostered by Satan, each contribute to perpetuating singlehood in the Church. Financial concerns, worries about being poor, worldly scrutiny and fashions, betrayal, and fears of personal flaws being unacceptable, enervate dating and courtship. Misunderstanding the nature of Temple marriage also hurts us before and after marriage. Getting stuck on a decoy hamster wheel of self-improvement can defer marriage indefinitely. Having unrealistic expectations about a spouse or life in general, or a poor understanding of the commandments, impairs our ability to receive guidance and help from the Lord in finding a suitable spouse. Any good thing has the capacity to displace the most important things, if we are not careful.
The rising generation has less fear of marriage; I still see wedding invitations with the word “Temple” printed on them. For those of us struggling to get out of the cocoon of bachelorhood and spinsterhood, it is good to have the adversary’s tactics unmasked, and our own blind spots cleared up.
