What informs the views of members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints on marriage? This is my attempt to explain it in layman’s terms.
Follow Through
The first time I fired a shotgun, I was at a scout camp. I was aiming at clay pigeons, and I missed them all horribly. To hit a moving target requires “follow through,” tracking a target before, during, and even after pulling the trigger. You don’t know when the gun will fire exactly, so the target must be lined up in the sights through the entire attempt to hit it.
This need for follow through applies to LDS marriage in a sense. Latter-day Saints see this life as the second act in a three act play. We lived with God as spirits before we were born; we were His spirit children. We agreed to come here and have our memories veiled, to be tested for who and what we really are while in a state of deliberate, but temporary, amnesia. People complain that the brutality of life is proof that there is no God, but the same people demand their freedom to choose. The brutality is, in part, a symptom of our freedom to choose, and God respects it.
LDS conceptions of marriage extend into the third act, the next life. We believe that at its best, marriage lasts forever. Married couples are not preparing just for parenthood, grandparenthood, retirement and death—they are preparing to be married permanently in the eternities, after they are resurrected. The target they are aiming for is beyond death, and requires eternal follow through.
Looking Backward and Forward
In order to understand where we are going, it is helpful to look at where we came from. The entire Christian world has been praying for centuries, “Our father which art in heaven.” Most people who have recited that prayer did not fully comprehend the implications of it. Jesus spoke of “my father,” and “your father.” Latter-day saints take this literally. God is the Father of our spirits. Our spirits are put into our mortal bodies at some point, and we experience this mortal life. Then we experience parenthood for the first time ourselves. We become fathers and mothers.
There are many reasons for putting us through the experience of parenthood. One of them is preparation: this is a practice round. Much has been said by various religions about the point of life, whether there is a heaven or not, and finally, how to get there. What will we be doing in heaven? Floating in a fog of bliss? Playing harps? Losing our identity in some ethereal, beatific cosmic soup of Oneness?
If God is “our father…in heaven,” then we are His children. Children grow up to be like their parents. What does God do? He takes care of his children. Billions of them. In heaven, parents are not single; we are children of heavenly Parents. That is where we came from, and that tells us our ultimate potential, what we have the capacity to become.
If we pass the test of life, and take care of everything else God wants us to, we will be parents in heaven ourselves. Heaven will be based on family.
Gods
Many people from various sects have accused Latter-day saints of blasphemy for believing that it is possible to become like God.
Jesus asked a mob why they wanted to stone Him. “For a good work we stone thee not: but for blasphemy; and because that thou, being a man, makest thyself God.” He responded to their charge of blasphemy by quoting scripture: “Jesus answered them, Is it not written in your law, I said, Ye are gods? If he called them gods, unto whom the word of God came, and the scripture cannot be broken; Say ye of him, whom the Father hath sanctified, and sent into the world, Thou blasphemest; because I said, I am the Son of God?” (John 10:33-36; He was quoting from Psalms 82:6).
If our ultimate destination were to play a harp or float forever, then this life as a test would not make much sense. It is far too brutal to have that as a consolation prize. But if we are being tested on whether or not we qualify to become like God, to do what he does, then the difficult and perplexing nature of life, with its sorrows and bruises of all kinds, is more just and fair. The end goal is so enormous that there is little wonder that life is so demanding. This life is a graduate exam for eternity.
Parenthood
Before we were born, we had only spirit bodies. Because of this, we were incapable of having children. Our Father in heaven had a resurrected physical body; He could have children. We wanted to become like Him, which is the main reason we agreed to His plan to send us here to earth. Setting us free on earth with no memory of our pre-mortal existence with Him was like turning a bunch of children with hatchets loose in a museum full of priceless artwork. Jesus agreed to be our Savior, and pay for all the damage we would do to ourselves and each other. He satisfies justice, and keeps us out of hell if we repent. Avoiding pain is one thing; what about gaining eternal joy?
In heaven, we lived with God for eons before the earth was created. We had the opportunity to receive our first lessons from Him and other Teachers. What could you learn if you had perfect recall, endless time, and access to an all-knowing Teacher? We certainly knew more before we came here to earth than we did after we were born. I suspect we knew more before we were born than the smartest mortals that have ever lived on this earth. We developed many abilities. The one ability we did not have then was the ability to beget children of our own.
Now we are here on earth. Our brains are feeble, and forget easily. A few prodigies show some promise or amazing talents in this or that field, but we last only seventy, maybe a hundred years or so, and we die. What was that brief trip all about? We have one ability here in life that we did not have before this life: the ability to have children. Having children seems like a humdrum, common, everyday thing to us mortals. We dramatize and idolize people with other talents and strengths. Our mortal perspective makes other things look more glamorous. But from an eternal perspective, this life is the first time ever that we are able to do the main thing our Father in heaven does—parenthood.
It is possible to fail at many mortal endeavors. If we distinguish ourselves in the role of parenthood, it will show not only that we can do a difficult thing, but that we are like God in our own small way, and he can magnify us in the resurrection. No success outside the home can compensate for failure in the home. Success as a parent, regardless of how humble the circumstances, is a tiny seed can become a great redwood.
There are many mortal distractions, glitzy entertainments and decoys, diversions we can set our hearts upon that preclude or overshadow parenthood. If we choose motherhood and fatherhood, the roles of spouse and parent, and prioritize them above all else, that preference will demonstrate at the judgment day that we are serious about becoming parents forever, like God.
Those who have their hearts set on something else will be damned; that does not mean tortured forever, it just means stopped. To some extent, not living up to one’s full potential is a form of torture, but it is torture that we choose. Making family our highest priority in life is more than just morally right; it puts us on the path to becoming like God.
Exceptional Circumstances
There are many people who never marry or become parents in this life. Soldiers die in battle, and their sweethearts at home marry someone else. Some people are physically incapable of having children, or just never have the chance to marry. Some people are born with same-sex attraction. Are these people on a circuit for automatic damnation?
No. At some point, everyone will have a chance to accept or reject God’s plan. We think of homosexuality or physical deformities as implacable obstacles. We build even sandbag fortresses of personal identity around these kinds of things, jealously guarding them. These things are mutable for God.
Because of Jesus' resurrection, everyone will be resurrected. At some point our physical bodies will change to more fully resemble our heavenly Parents. What we think of as permanent in our bodies is merely temporary in the Lord's eyes.
God will make male/female couples married forever all-seeing, all-knowing, all-powerful, and no one else, because they are going to have children for eternity, and they will need those abilities and authority to take care of infinite offspring. Begetting children is the main purpose of marriage; even the health of the marriage relationship, love between husband and wife, is important because it plays an essential role in the well being of their children.
Jesus and His disciples saw a man born blind. The disciples asked whether this man or his parents sinned, to cause him to be born blind. “Jesus answered, Neither hath this man sinned, nor his parents: but that the works of God should be made manifest in him” (John 9:3). As backwards as it seems, we can be saddled with all sorts of physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual malfunctions and challenges in this life, and somehow in the long term, they can play out to great advantage.
Physical flaws and quirks in our physical makeup will be eradicated by the resurrection. Let’s not embrace that which is not temporary as permanent.
Miniature Heaven on Earth
In order for marriages to extend into the next life, they must be performed at altars in sacred temples. An altar is a place where we make commitments and sacrifices to God. The ability to fall in love and have children with someone is merely the equipment necessary to participate in the plan, not a guarantee of success. Coming to the altar loaded down with false expectations is a recipe for misery. Altars anciently were places where animals, the wealth of that time, were sacrificed. Married couples make commitments to each other and their future children that exclude many things, including shopping around for other partners. Trying to create an eternal family and be absorbed in worldly pursuits is like trying to ride two horses; eventually you will prefer just one. If you are doing it properly, marriage will include giving up certain things forever.
Marriage supported by mortal power and intelligence often lacks the long-term staying power to last for mere decades, let alone for eternity. Even those who do not believe in the afterlife will concede that the permanence of marriages forms the bedrock foundation of a stable society. When married couples sacrifice the option of abandoning roles as parents and spouses to go and play, it keeps the fabric of society from tearing by making childhood stable for their children. But does it need to feel like a sacrifice all the time?
Supernatural intervention can keep a marriage not just barely alive, but vital. Jesus brought dead bodies back to life. Healing a relationship is also possible. Notions of love at home may seem merely cuddly, but they are critical. If we learn our duties and do them, we will have the Spirit. It will change our hearts. That will overcome entropy and nature, and allow love in marriage to perpetuate beyond early infatuation. When marriage is a strictly selfish venture, either party may terminate the contract when expectations and needs are unmet. When marriage is part of God’s plan, partners in it have a right to expect divine intervention on their behalf. That includes softening of their hearts towards each other.
The world tends to present marriage with a “what’s in it for me?” spin. What could seem duller than thinking of marriage as a duty, an assignment from God? Yet those who see themselves as fulfilling covenants with God when they approach marriage may receive His power and help to maintain it. The Lord takes care of those who invest themselves in His work. When a couple receives His children into their home to raise them, determined to instruct them about where they came from, and does their best to get those kids back to their Eternal Father, how could He withhold assistance?
Following God
Life is short; we will sacrifice something along the way. Perhaps it is meant to be that way. We show what we want most when we choose between desirable options.
Knowing where we came from and why we are here changes our perspective about what we should prize, and where we are going. The greatest mistake we can make in this life is to have our ladder propped against the wrong wall, to throw our effort after that which is unprofitable or passing. Instead of waiting for heaven, we should be trying to grow heaven here and now. On an individual basis, that means repentance and spiritual rebirth, having our hearts changed. On a group level, that means getting married and creating families.
Being willing to accept flaws and less than ideal circumstances is also important. Aiming for the ideal should not include brutalizing ourselves or others for falling short. God excuses and forgives our shortcomings; being like God surely includes that trait, being generous to ourselves and all others.
